So, recently (just now, actually), I had a conversation with my sister. One thing she said really stuck: All of my failures will be all mine, and all of my successes will be all mine. The failure part really bothered me because I know all of my failures and I got to thinking, is this really what I want to be stuck with for the rest of my life?
Like I said, I know all my failures, and the sad thing is, I really don't know how to change the situation. I have this really good friend who, I feel that I can say, I am really close to. Really though, from the beginning of our relationship, I have always hated how she was everything I wanted to be. Don't misunderstand, I love her as a friend, I really do. I suppose you could say that I hate how she makes me hate myself sometimes. It used to be that I was annoyed at how my after-school teacher kept talking about how I should learn from her. Everyone here gets that at some point of their lives. I only really started thinking about it recently, and I realize, whatever's been bugging me every time that topic comes up is that everything about the comparisons are true.
I hate how she is so focused for everything that she does. Even if it's running the mile, she makes sure that she really tries to do her best. Sure, there are times when she slacks off, but that's human nature. I really hate how no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to really try. Everything I want to do well, ...it's like I have a momentarily passionate moment where I tell myself, I'm definitely going to do it this time. But really, I don't. It's like that intense drive just disappears, and after that phase, I can't get myself to care enough to finish whatever it was I was doing. I tell myself, I'm going to write sheet music for that song, and I really concentrate for an hour or two. I go to bed, and then after that, I just can't concentrate enough to actually finish it and it remains half done. I start my story, and a fraction of the way through, I realize that I really hate my idea and I just never finish. Soon I find myself a better storyline, tell myself I'll write about it, and I never even get around to starting. I hate that, even knowing my problem, I still don't care enough to get over it. I just leave those ideas unwritten and those songs unfinished.
I also hate how she is so sure about her life. She knows what she likes and what she wants to do. I hate how I have no idea where my passion is. I want to be a street fighter, a martial artist. But I'm not even sure enough to try. I wan't to be an artist, but clearly I don't want it enough to get over my lack of talent. I tell myself I love playing the cello, but aside from a few pieces that I really love, I clearly don't care enough to practice more than I have to. I hate how I'm not sure about anything in my life aside from the fact that I'll make it through college with a decent grade and land a job somewhere. I don't want to be another small time accountant who goes to work and comes back home, yet I can't seem to think about anything but watching dramas and admiring all the amazing things other people do. Everyone tells me that it's too early to think about the future, but I hate feeling like I have no direction in life. Even One Direction has at least one direction.
I think I've decided that I want to change all of that. Starting this summer. I want to be someone who'll look back and say that I don't regret anything. This summer, I want to find a hobby that I am so passionate about that I'll work on that one hobby day and night and love that I'm doing it. I want to get through summer classes knowing that I've really learned my material and haven't half-assed my way through tests. I wan t to be someone like my friend who is sure about what she wants out of life. That's what I want and I'm going after that dream. Starting this summer.
Like I said, I know all my failures, and the sad thing is, I really don't know how to change the situation. I have this really good friend who, I feel that I can say, I am really close to. Really though, from the beginning of our relationship, I have always hated how she was everything I wanted to be. Don't misunderstand, I love her as a friend, I really do. I suppose you could say that I hate how she makes me hate myself sometimes. It used to be that I was annoyed at how my after-school teacher kept talking about how I should learn from her. Everyone here gets that at some point of their lives. I only really started thinking about it recently, and I realize, whatever's been bugging me every time that topic comes up is that everything about the comparisons are true.
I hate how she is so focused for everything that she does. Even if it's running the mile, she makes sure that she really tries to do her best. Sure, there are times when she slacks off, but that's human nature. I really hate how no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to really try. Everything I want to do well, ...it's like I have a momentarily passionate moment where I tell myself, I'm definitely going to do it this time. But really, I don't. It's like that intense drive just disappears, and after that phase, I can't get myself to care enough to finish whatever it was I was doing. I tell myself, I'm going to write sheet music for that song, and I really concentrate for an hour or two. I go to bed, and then after that, I just can't concentrate enough to actually finish it and it remains half done. I start my story, and a fraction of the way through, I realize that I really hate my idea and I just never finish. Soon I find myself a better storyline, tell myself I'll write about it, and I never even get around to starting. I hate that, even knowing my problem, I still don't care enough to get over it. I just leave those ideas unwritten and those songs unfinished.
I also hate how she is so sure about her life. She knows what she likes and what she wants to do. I hate how I have no idea where my passion is. I want to be a street fighter, a martial artist. But I'm not even sure enough to try. I wan't to be an artist, but clearly I don't want it enough to get over my lack of talent. I tell myself I love playing the cello, but aside from a few pieces that I really love, I clearly don't care enough to practice more than I have to. I hate how I'm not sure about anything in my life aside from the fact that I'll make it through college with a decent grade and land a job somewhere. I don't want to be another small time accountant who goes to work and comes back home, yet I can't seem to think about anything but watching dramas and admiring all the amazing things other people do. Everyone tells me that it's too early to think about the future, but I hate feeling like I have no direction in life. Even One Direction has at least one direction.
I think I've decided that I want to change all of that. Starting this summer. I want to be someone who'll look back and say that I don't regret anything. This summer, I want to find a hobby that I am so passionate about that I'll work on that one hobby day and night and love that I'm doing it. I want to get through summer classes knowing that I've really learned my material and haven't half-assed my way through tests. I wan t to be someone like my friend who is sure about what she wants out of life. That's what I want and I'm going after that dream. Starting this summer.